social crap

It seems that life hangs on a point. My social life is either non-existant or painful. There are certain people that I just don't want to be around. At all. Even though I am uber-nice when I am around them (don't worry. If you are reading this, it isn't you).
One person in particular is ruining the swing events for me. Hank says that I just need to ignore them, and I used to say things like that all of the time, but now that I am in the situation, I am not sure it's that easy.

Being around these people is actually nausiating. I don't want it to be, and I am not sure why it is, but it is. And I have found that if I just don't go. If I don't put myself in the positions where I will be around them, I am much happier. And when they are not there, I usually worry about them showing up.

Tonight, I forgot about them. That is, until they walked in. Then I didn't know what to do. I wanted to run, and i didn't want to run. I ended up running. Although I do have work as an excuse.

At the beginning of this year, running was not my style. I actually had the opposite responce. I put myself in the situations just so that i would be sure to know what was going on, but I have learned my lesson. If I avoid and run, I can just not think about it. And that makes me a much happier person.

Ok, before your mind runs all over on this, let me say that this is not romantic. This is not a romance gone wrong, or anything like that. So don't even think it. Actually, the main person that i am talking about isn't even a guy. So don't even think it.

Actually not real sure why I react this way. ok, I guess i do know, but it is a bit uncalled for. And no, I am not giving any details. So don't ask. I just trying to figure everything out. My life has been a little rocky lately. Mentally I mean. I am not really sure why. I think that this is what burnout feels like. I'm burnt out. Mentally. And I have so much to do and not much fire to do it with. To tell you the truth, if I did only what i feel like to doing, I would stay in bed all of the time, curled up either asleep or with my computer and computer learning books. ( I want to learn how to program in PHP, Objective C with Cocoa, and either purl or applescript. I am on track to become an apple developer. :-) That makes me happy.

The worst part of life right now is all of the stuff that I have to do that is not directly connected to Marion's Ledge. That leaves me like no time to do Marion's Ledge stuff. And there is so much that i need/want to be doing. But instead, that just get lumped in with the school work and pushed aside for the stupid papers that I have to write that mean nothing to me. Who really cares about the argument whether all languages have parts of speech. Give me the problem sets dammit!!

I have to much to read for those papers. That is what I should be doing right now, but I have too much on my mind to consentrate. So I am writing this as a mind dump. I am on the balcony of taft overlooking the dance. I danced some. But now i am not. (see above)/ :=/

ok, I think I have dumped enough. I better read some now.